I have a story to tell you about my youngest son. If you’re having a rough day, I think this will put it in perspective…. This morning I was attempting to get ready before I realized that all of the exciting things I was looking forward to today would be cancelled. Thanks rain. The oldest is watching TV in my bed and the youngest is running around upstairs being a handful. He wants to feed the dogs, so he opens up the container and does so, it’s very messy. I don’t complain because it’s entertaining him, but then notice that he’s not just feeding the dogs he’s also eating their food. I repeatedly tell him to stop, but he’s enamored. I thought we had gotten past this phase, but this morning it has returned, only instead of a 12 month old easily distracted, it’s with the passion, stubbornness, and expanded dexterity and motor skills of a 23 month old. Basically, he’s 2 and he’s acting like it. The child persists and I continue telling him to stop while I attempt to do my makeup. I’m finally finished  (I say finally because children make a 10 minute task drag on and on) and am putting things away when I realize he now has my eyeshadow brush and is dipping it in the dog water. I won’t tell you how much I paid for it (I don’t want my husband to know), but it’s MAC brand if that means anything to you. If that means nothing to you, simply know that I cannot afford to buy this a second time.

I swipe the brush out of his hand, firmly tell him no for the billionth time this morning, and immediately walk to the sink to wash it. During this time I do not notice my son, who is literally right beside me, pick up my cup of water and take a sip. Most of the time this child is a bull in a china shop, but every so often he surprises you. Amazingly, he places the cup back exactly where I left it, I am clueless. After washing the brush, I reach over, pick up my cup, and head away from my sink into my bedroom. I take one sip out of the straw and get a mouthful of backwashed dog food. I gag. I spit water all over the floor of my bedroom, I run to the sink and rinse my mouth out and gag some more. And that, folks, is what happened within an hour of waking up.

 

 

As for an update on our adoption… Great transition, right?! We’ve had a few events of note, but are still currently waiting. The first update is that we were given a $4000 grant from the Show Hope Foundation. That is an incredible blessing and will cover almost 1/3 of our placement fee (which, as the name implies, is charged when a child is placed in our home). We are still working on grant applications, and while we have discussed more fundraisers, we don’t currently have one in the works, though our GoFundMe page is always open. We still have $9600 left to raise for the placement fee.

I am reminded of the story of Joshua and Jericho. God had promised His people the land of Canaan and when the spies went to see it, instead of seeing with joy that this was their promised land, they saw it with eyes of fear and saw these fortified cities as an impossible obstacle. Joshua and Caleb didn’t see them that way. When it was time to take the city of Jericho, God had the people walk around the city. I wonder if the people following Joshua felt silly, if they walked with dusty feet (maybe a little bit whiny) wondering what in the world is going on, what’s going to happen? He did promise us this, right? So what’s with all the walking? I feel like the people of Israel right now, walking and waiting for something to happen. I know that God has planned adoption for our family, but when I look at it I see this impossible cost and feel insecure about what family would ever choose us. But those aren’t for me to worry about, that’s God’s job. Yes, we need to be proactive financially, but this is not in our hands, it’s in God’s. Our job is to keep walking and waiting for God to work. I keep trying to remind myself that this is God’s promise to us, and he will bring down these obstacles in His time. In the mean time, we get to learn a deeper trust in Him.

The bigger change is a change of heart rather than circumstances. When we made initial decisions on what we were open to we said, “God we’re open to anything at all, except these two things: an older child and a child with extreme special needs.” We are open to much much more than the average family, but we were still holding back (which made sense logically, but we were thinking we had totally surrended to God when we hadn’t, and that’s the problem). During the summer, we were contacted with possible placements about children that fit both of those cases. We said we would pray about them and as we prayed we felt this overwhelming peace from God that told us, ‘If this is what I choose for you, then I will sustain you’. I don’t have to tell you how much our family life would have changed, but instead of fear or doubt I felt an overwhelming peace from God. Motherhood comes with a lot of stress and anxiety, but to feel this supernatural peace and be reminded by God that every member of my family is in His hands and not mine… I can’t put into words what that felt like. I don’t know if God will have us adopt a perfectly healthy baby or a baby with special needs or an older child, but He’s brought me to the place of true surrender and total confidence in whatever will come. Of course, the rollercoaster continues, as is evident, we have not adopted yet. After getting my hopes up for these two children, we are not the family for them. But I’m thankful that I experienced that peace and I remind myself what God told me, whatever he chooses for our family, He will sustain us. Right now He is choosing for us to wait and enjoy these beautiful, wonderful, crazy kids He’s already given us.

And despite my impatient nature, waiting isn’t so bad. The story at the top of this blog might be evidence that it’s best we wait right now, after all, I’m over here drinking backwashed dog food and cleaning poop off my floor (which I’ve done twice in the time it’s taken me to write this.) Maybe adding a newborn to the mix would be a bit too much today.